I'm sitting together with my Hun.
He sits in front of me, sipping from time to time a bottle of Guinness beer, working on something on his laptop.
We're together for over an year, a very happy year indeed. I can't imagine myself happier than I am after all this time.
I got a well paid job, in which I fulfil my needs.
I create, I animate, I work.
A full time job, which makes me spend less time sitting pointlessly in front of my laptop screen.
Weekend is a blessing.
After all this depression sort of things, after every day of struggling and finding a will to wake and move out of bed and do something. Do anything. Just any sort of thing to not drown.
After all long battles with my parents.
After long nights of crying myself to sleep for no apparent reason and fully hating on living a life I had.
After all these thoughts that were killing me inside, that I couldn't match the expectations of other people.
That I couldn't be always there when someone needs me.
That I couldn't make miracles.
That I couldn't make anything
to make people I loved the most
happy.
No one needs a person who constantly has problems.
No one wants to listen and understand that problems that for one are just a small point on map, may be for the other one be a ocean that stops from acting.
I'm sitting together with my Hun, in dorm's room.
The fridge hums loudly from time to time, and keyboard and mouse clicks frequently.
So much changed, when I had cut from past and made 180 degree turn.
The Beast inside my head finally took steps and began to yell, in order to lead me away from self-destruction. No more need to use Valerian syrup.
My uni mates still look after me and were able to make me smile and forget about problems for a moment. I cannot express my gratitude toward them. For not letting me collapse and drown.
My Hun, took me by hand and showed me the other side of life.
From that time I have learned, that there is happiness.
And true happiness
smells like freshly milled coffee in the morning
tastes like hot milky chocolate in the evening
is like meal together with Beloved
is like waking and falling asleep next to Beloved
sounds like breath and sigh of relief in night
sounds like moments of silence between
rings like laughter
is soft as breath on neck
cannot be described by words.
Only at night, I have dreams of people, that were close to me.
I often dream, that we talk like it was like nothing happened.
They ask me if I could come back, but I say "no" for an answer.
Deep inside, I know that for both sides it is the best solution.
I remember them. And I will never forget.
But on the other hand, nothing will change. At first it will be okay, but then it will come back as it was before.
The thing I don't need any more.
I have let the feeling of need, of possessing something.
I dropped the addiction feeling. Some kind of ascension, I am happy from small things.
Sketchbook and materials for drawing.
I have them and when I feel like creating something I do.
Much things and ideas happen in my head.
I don't regret my decisions. I don't regret any one of them and how things ended.
I'm sitting together with my Hun, in dorm's room.
The collar I had around my neck is no longer closed.
I am
free.
